10 Rules Of Dating Me

As I was playing the world’s grimmest game of solo bananagrams on the floor of my bedroom yesterday evening, I had the idea to write a post (an actual researched one! Whoa!) about the 10 best word game words. The best word from my game was probably “aquitted”, which I’ve just realized I spelled wrong the whole time. It’s really “acquitted,” and I’m a failure. If I hadn’t been playing by myself, I would’ve been accidentally cheating. Clearly, my credibility with words is low, so I decided to write about something I know a little more about: Myself. And boys. Because although there was a stage in my life (hello, ages 8 to 16) where I was considerably more interested in words and books than in the opposite sex (or the same sex, really. Or people in general), the two now generally occupy about equal space in my brain, as shown:


So, given my vast experience with boys (I famously said, “what the hell???” when my ex boyfriend tried to put his tongue in my mouth for the first time), I grant unto you all…

The 10 Rules of Dating Me

1). Be Interesting.

The one single biggest thing I cannot handle in a significant other (besides use of the word LOL and hatred of Disney movies), is the inability to continue a conversation. When two people care about one another, sometimes it’s easy at first to overlook the fact that their personality doesn’t interest you much. With my second boyfriend, for example, I drove most of the conversations and he just responded (in person and via text) with the bare minimum answer. I didn’t care, because I thought he was hot and I wanted him so desperately to like me. These people, though, however hot and however well intentioned, end up being boring. Now, I’m not one for evaluating every man in terms of marriage potential. To those ladies I say a firm, “down, girl. You’re 19.” However, if I can’t spend ten minutes with you without running out of things to say, what does that say about our future?

2). Be interested.

This really encompasses several things that are important for me. Obviously, no healthy relationship can really exist between one person who truly cares about the other and one person who is vaguely apathetic. In relationships, you need to get as much as you give. So, “be interested” can mean, “like me as much as I like you.” That’s obvious. Another thing, though, is just be interested. Be present when we’re together, care about what I have to say and, for the love of god, do not be playing Candy Crush while we’re at dinner.

3). Use good grammar.

This is a much more personal preference, but the way that you communicate is how you express yourself to the world, and people who USE THE WRONG FORM OF YOUR, or abbreviate their “you” to “u,” or say things like “good luck everyone that going hunting tomorrow” (ahem, facebook friend), communicate the fact that they have very little pride in the impressions that they make on other people. Plus, for some reason, sloppiness with language seems to correlate with sloppiness in other aspects of life. For example, the hot rugby player with the British accent who once sent me the sentence, “ur funny” ended up telling people that we had sex on the pool table. We did not. For another example, the hot Floridian rower of, “ya all the cool people r doing it these days” ended up tagged in a facebook photo doing what might have been a keg stand, had it not been over a trash can filled with beer.

4). Have arms.

I’d be willing to reconsider this one if there were a particularly charming amputee, but for now, it’s requisite. I am a total hug junkie. I love how you can feel a person’s emotions when you hug them. If they love you, you’ll know. If they’re angry with you, you’ll know. If they have a boner, you’ll definitely know.

5). Be casual.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a sucker for a good date. If you want to take me to a magic show where Woody Allen is sitting in the row behind us, I’m game. If you want to kiss me in the rain in Central Park, I lap that shit up. But, one of my favorite traits in a person is being able to be with them and just do whatever you would be doing if you were alone, only it’s better because they’re there. Generally, for me, this means eating crab rangoons under the covers in my bed while watching Vampire Diaries, so this isn’t always the easiest trait to find in a man. Barring crab-rangoons-in-bed-with-vampire-diaries, though, it’s amazing to have someone you can just be lazy around. Not “farting and braless” lazy, but happy lazy. With arms. And pizza?

6). Speaking of braless,

I need a person who could see me being wholly uncute and still like me. We all know it’s only a matter of time before you come into the room and see me standing in front of the mirror and crushing my nose so that the little pus squiggles come out. Only a matter of time.

7). Be kind.

Be kind to animals, service staff, and your mother. People who are mean to any of these entities deserve zero respect.

8). Be passionate about things.

This doesn’t have to mean be passionate about me. It means be passionate about something. Like things. Love things. Books, travel, sports, a tv show, me. Something. Otherwise, what the fuck will I buy you for Christmas?

9). Like The Lion King.

In my experience, only douchebags don’t like The Lion King.

Laughably, I used to describe my “type” as: Brown hair, brown eyes, older sibling, likes Lion King, good shoulders. None of my boyfriends have fit more than two of these criteria, so obviously it’s not my true type, but Lion King was definitely in there, and I’m having trouble letting it go.

10). Challenge me.

I’m competitive. You may think I’m kidding. I am not. I once wrestled a t-shirt out of the hands of a child at a minor league baseball game.

Challenge me (I will win).


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