Archive | June 2014

27 People Who Are the Real MVP

youtherealmvp

Another Buzzfeed post up! The last one got to the front page (what), and currently has over 100,00 views. Craziness.

NOW for the next one. In light of a Spurs victory tonight, I give you (and the rest of the world), 27 People Who Are the Real MVP. Check it out! Let me know what you think! Leave hateful comments like “WORST. LIST. EVER.”

I, like every store that prints little surveys on their receipts and mass blasts them out to everyone and then becomes inundated by data they will never process, eagerly await your feedback.

 

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The Only 39 Road Trip Songs You’ll Ever Need

I’ve started writing some Buzzfeed posts lately for the Community section (it’s a shameless bid for employment at a later stage. Or, more specifically, internship, because I am terrified of being occupation-less on my off-term this winter).

I’m still getting the hang of it. I gif-searched for like 16 hours for my first post. It’s not this post. This one was better, so I’m posting it first, to soften the blow. Enjoy! Here’s a link, if you want to view it on Buzzfeed. The article has links to each song, and includes my minimal and censored witty commentary.

If you prefer the watered-down version, read on.

The Only 39 Road Trip Songs You’ll Ever Need

Bring on that horizon, baby, you’ve got tunes for miles.

39. Send Me on My Way- Rusted Root

38. Ways to Go- Grouplove

37. Girls Fast Cars- The Wombats

36. Miracle Mile- Cold War Kids

35. Highway to Hell- AC/DC

34. Life in the Fast Lane- The Eagles

33. I’ve Been Everywhere- Johnny Cash

I've Been Everywhere- Johnny Cash

32. Red Dirt Road- Brooks and Dunn

31. Born to Be Wild- Steppenwolf

“Head out on the highway, lookin’ for adventure.”
What this song lacks in a punny-road-trip title, it makes up for with a Wild Hogs-esque music video and pedal-to-the-metal lyric power.

30. 90 Miles an Hour Down a Dead End Street- Hank Snow

29. I Drove All Night- Celine Dion

28. Shut Up and Drive- Rihanna

27. Start Me Up- The Rolling Stones

26. Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car- Billy Ocean

25. Mud On the Tires- Brad Paisley

24. Mustang Sally- The Commitments

23. Gas Pedal- Sage the Gemini

22. Six Days on the Road- Dave Dudley

21. I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)- The Proclaimers

20. Life is a Highway- Tom Cochrane

19. Route 66- The Rolling Stones

18. Radar Love- Golden Earring

17. Ridin’- Chamillionaire

16. Paradise by the Dashboard Light- Meatloaf

This one’s great if you stop for a little roadside hanky panky in the middle of your trip.

15. Ramblin’ Man- The Allman Brothers

14. Greased Lightning- Grease

13. Ocean Avenue- Yellowcard

12. A Thousand Miles- Vanessa Carlton

11. Hitchin’ a Ride- Green Day

10. Fun, Fun, Fun- The Beach Boys

9. Where the Streets Have No Name- U2

8. I Ran (So Far Away)- Flock of Seagulls

7. The Distance- Cake

6. Runnin’ Down a Dream- Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

5. Interstate Love Song- Stone Temple Pilots

4. No Sleep ‘Til Brooklyn- The Beastie Boys

3. Hit the Road, Jack- Ray Charles

2. Chasing Cars- Snow Patrol

1. AND FINALLY… Home- Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

10 things you promise yourself you’ll do every break (that you’ll never actually do)

As a college brat on the trimester system (in fact, Dartmouth has a “D Plan” that is slowly in the process of ruining all college relationships by keeping students on for one summer term and then allowing them one off term of their choice), I have a lot of “breaks” from school. With the exception of my most recent “spring break,” over which I toured Europe in a very un-Stacy-like move, I have returned home for all of my breaks. Even the miserably long one between Thanksgiving and New Year’s. During these breaks, I always tell myself that I will use the time for certain worthwhile pursuits, such as:

1: See high school friends.

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I’ve been in New Hampshire, they’ve been in Maine, blahdyblah, star-crossed friendship, impossible circumstances, one-state-divide, etc. The problem with this is that apart from one group chat I have with two friends which we use to update one another on the states of our uteruses, I don’t keep in much touch with my high school friends while I’m at college. They are busy, I am busy, and shockingly, there isn’t generally that much uterine news to report. While I’ll see one or two on each foray back to the homeland, we get together less frequently than one would expect (not to mention, there is nothing to do in my town that beats marathoning Teen Wolf in my bed).

2: Cultivate some skills

There is a sticky on the side of my desktop as I write this with the header, “skills to cultivate.” It includes useful shit such as “cooking,” “sewing,” and “compass and map navigation” (?), but also memorizing the presidents (that’s not a skill, Stacy) and escaping handcuffs. Safe to say, I have learned none of these things over this or any break, though I must admit I have put the most effort into learning to escape handcuffs.

3: Exercise/lose weight/ try paleoveganovolactopescamultisyllabic diet

To my credit, over summer break I lost 13 pounds. I needed to do this, as I had gained a commensurate amount at the start of college, and since my sister then weighed less than me, I could not let such heft continue. Back at school for the fall, I went to the gym once or twice a week, and then proceeded to go to Italy and exercise precisely zero. And eat precisely everything. The problem with this was less gluttony (despite my penchant for fried croissants and gelato) and more the fear of saying no to my host mother, who prepared me positively monstrous portions and tsked her little old italian tongue at me and said “che peccato” whenever I couldn’t finish (what a shame, what a waste). Roman Catholic guilt-weight should be a more heavily explored topic for sure.

4: Read classic literature

I started War and Peace over winter break as a promise to my then-boyfriend. Then-boyfriend had managed to finish it in three days, and insisted that I read it as well. I started it. I made it through part one. I broke up with then-boyfriend in order to escape the horror that was the idea of reading the remaining 800 pages.

If it’s 800 pages of Eragon, let me at it. But 800 pages of badly-translated Russian? Enough to cut ties.

Head and neck of a dragon. She has spikes on her scaly curved neck and antler-like projections over her eyes.

5: Find a job/ internship/ occupation/ apartment/ life plan

I scrolled through the campus jobnet for eleven minutes the other night. I bookmarked some things. That counts.

6: Set your sights high

When I started this post, it was titled “25 things you promise yourself you’ll do every break.” It has since been narrowed down to 10 things. I feel this accurately represents my life.

7: Online flirt with a boy from school

I’m a great online flirter. Facebook chat is my bitch. Texting is my mistress. I crush these things, and when face-to-face interaction is taken off the table for an extended period of time, my crush-inciting ability skyrockets (there’s an inverse correlation between interactions during which I can’t spell-check and/or delete things I say and perceived attractiveness). My prospects, however, remain as bleak as usual, as there are never any boys to Facebook chat. I suspect this is due to me having graduated junior high.

8: Get back on a reasonable sleep schedule

Illusion: I leave behind the days of 3 am to 10:30 am sleeping, resetting my body to a healthy 10:30 to 8:00 schedule that I will adapt to and sustain for the rest of the school year.

Reality: Sleep schedule expands out to fill available space, becomes 3 am to noon.

puppy animated GIF

9: Spend quality time with family

Three minutes into them picking me up someone is always shouting that we’ve made the wrong turn, another is pulling an ill-advised u-turn in an Arby’s parking lot, and someone else is loudly singing in the backseat “Jesus take the WheeeeeEEeeEl.” That last person is me.

10: Wear pants more

This is a lie. I’m ending with a lie. I never intend to wear pants over break.

tom cruise animated GIF

Rome Wars Episode Seven: The Phantom Venice

SO I AM FINALLY GETTING TO USE “THE PHANTOM VENICE,” AFTER MONTHS OF ANTICIPATION. My excitement can barely be contained, so I’m just going to lead right into Overly Detailed Email Update Numero Sette (the last one!!!), after a photo of La Venezia from above (other photos in consideration were ‘fat orange cat,’ ‘very skinny Venetian street’, and ‘toddler attempting to stab pigeons with a three inch knife’)
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Hello beautifuls,

Hope your winter carnival weekend was fly and that you had lots of fun. I was being similarly wintry in Venice, where it was cold as balls. I didn’t fall in any canals, but I did talk to a gondola man and watch toddlers try earnestly to shank pigeons. The streets there are also approximately as wide as one of my thighs, so new fat European Stacy almost had trouble fitting.

I’m wearing my glasses today in an attempt to be able to really see the board in class. Instead, I feel like a drunk person. This prescription hasn’t been updated since I moved up to square frames from little wire Harry potter glasses (not as long ago as you might think).

My bus seatmate smells like a barn. I think it’s him. It could be me.

I went into a shop in Venice strictly to pet this dog. His name was Blu. I pretended to be looking at the stuff in the store, but really I was only there to creep on this cool dog. He rolled over for me to scratch his belly. I’ve never felt more accepted.

I managed this weekend to fit a bottle of limoncello, a bottle of wine, and a strange Italian beer into the pockets of my coat. I considered bribing the gondola man with the beer to let me sit in the gondola for a minute. That shit costs like 80 euros. Why.

Christian Ledesma (who is Mexican) literally cried over the spicy was of this pizza he ordered in Venice. It was amazing. It had Tabasco sauce instead of real sauce and spicy peppers and pepperonis. Even smelling it caused me pain.

I got lost FOR THREE HOURS on Monday. We didn’t have class, so I was gonna meet my friends in this park which apparently HAS TWO ENTRANCES THAT ARE SEPARATED BY A MAJOR ROAD. My phone died almost as soon as I got there and I wandered in the rain trying to find them for ages. Eventually we all just went home. It was horrendous. Also forgot my bus pass and had to buy a ticket on the bus but did not have enough change, accidentally jacked someone’s 30 cents bc the machine said “30 cents credit” and I was like oh perf that’s how much I need this must be the world smiling down upon me. But NO the lady came back and was like hey you used my money whoops. I think she saw the tear tracks on my face and my overall harried expression and realized that I was about 30 cents away from total nuclear meltdown, because she said it was all okay.

I’ve lost all four of my earring backs since I’ve been here. I’ve now resorted to cutting off bits of erasers with my little Swiss Army knife and using those instead. So inventive.

There is a receipt in my pocket for two bags of cheese puffs. I discovered them in a shop in Venice and almost exploded in happiness. Fake cheese yayyyyyy. Not sarcasm.

When I returned from Venice I took a nap. No one was home, it was 5 pm, I’d been up til 6:30 the night before (rationale for that unclear), and I slept so hard I woke up in pain. My face hurt, my back hurt, I sincerely thought it was morning. My host mom was like, “I called you for dinner an hour ago but I don’t think you woke up.” It could’ve been 2015 and I would not have been surprised.

My lost-in-the-rain sesh have me calluses. I literally built entire new calluses in one afternoon. My feet were so wet my boots started to foam.

I just got off the bus and walked decisively in the wrong direction. My bad.

I bought y’all postcards like 3 weeks ago and still have not sent them. Don’t have stamps. Also my bad.

We just wrapped up a unit in Italian curse words. Vaffanculo heheh.

I nearly just stepped on a fat orange cat as I was emailing. Photo attached for evidence. (Jk sending from my phone can’t attach but take my word for it).

Alright I must away, miss you love you little punks.

Staz

Rome Wars Episode Six: That New One They Really Shouldn’t Be Making

I begin this post with an apology (Actually, I begin it with a title that doesn’t really make sense, but SHOULD, because they’re making a new Star Wars movie after a long hiatus, just as I am writing a new blog post after a conspicuously long absence, and like the imminent feature film, no one was really holding their breath). I am sorry for failing to update you all on my latest Rome escapades. I’ve actually been back from Rome for literally months (I returned in mid March, after a thrilling week-long tour of Europe with the charming Katie Hake, who wore the same pair of pants for the entire trip and I did not notice), so there should really be a lot to catch you up on, while in fact there are really only two more email updates, a photo of Katie and I with a man in a bear costume at Brandenburger Tor in Berlin, and a failed attempt at a travel diary logged during my train rides.

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BUT ALAS, you are here for a Rome update, and this you shall receive. Behold, the extremely delayed Overly Detailed Email Update Numero Sei:

My luck has changed, friends.

I have not waited for a bus for more than 4 minutes all week (I’m at the bus stop as I write this, probably jinxing it so hard). Apart from some unfortunate breakfast-lunch mushrooms Sunday when I didn’t drag my sorry ass out of bed until 12:30, I have been spared any previously-cooked-but-now-cold-and-squishy vegetables of nebulous variety. Last night for dinner, I had spaghetti Parmesan, chicken (meat!!!!!!!) and FRENCH FRIES BC MY LIFE IS AWESOME.

I went to Florence this weekend sans teachers, and we all went out with wild abandon, since we didn’t have to worry about taking night buses and getting stuck outside the Vatican at 4 am with a night bus driver named Dennis encouraging us to sit on the dashboard. Ahem.
Apparently I stole a black man’s earring and attempted to trade it for my own. I believe we talked about Pisa. I also later cried hysterically on poor Matt Barnes for like six hours on the street, and I’m not even sure why.

We also climbed to the top of the Duomo church the next day, which was like 82949194 stairs, but the view from the top was amazing.

I have now been waiting for the bus for like 9 minutes. The board says all of them are “in arrivo” and yet none of them are arriving.

I got my hair cut. Other than the words “we need a bigger sink,” I understood nothing of what happened and just made scissors with my fingers every time she asked me a question. She may have said something about selling my hair…

I have six thousand projects due this week, so that’s casual.

I made my first Animal House joke to an AD yesterday.

The bus is finally coming.

People actually say “mamma mia” here when they’re agitated, and I don’t think that will ever get old.

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Still haven’t found any SmartFood popcorn 😦 I did discover something called “chipsters” though, so i guess I’m assimilating nicely.

The bus has been within eyesight for 3 minutes and has not yet arrived. Yes Rome traffic.

In finally on the bus. I’m risking my life by not holding on with both hands. L’autobus waits for no man. I’m quite confident I will eat it spectacularly one of these days.

Pretty sure we were cursed by a gypsy panhandler in Florence.

Sarah Heyborne has not been responding to my snapchats, FB messages, or obnoxious wall comments. I begin to suspect she is angry with me, and it makes me very sad 😦

I fell asleep last night to the host-uncle’s vigorous bumping of Daft Punk. One more time?

Probably the highlight of my week was finding a roll if toilet paper above the mirror in my shoebox sized bathroom. I’d run out, but as I did not know the word for “toilet paper” in Italian and felt inexplicably embarrassed, I was totally just planning on peeing at school for the rest if my life.

That’s more or less all that’s new with me right now, other then that I’m prob going to be late to school for the first time this morning. Whoops. At least it’s given me time to email you wonderful people. Miss you all!

Staceface