Rome Wars Episode Seven: The Phantom Venice

SO I AM FINALLY GETTING TO USE “THE PHANTOM VENICE,” AFTER MONTHS OF ANTICIPATION. My excitement can barely be contained, so I’m just going to lead right into Overly Detailed Email Update Numero Sette (the last one!!!), after a photo of La Venezia from above (other photos in consideration were ‘fat orange cat,’ ‘very skinny Venetian street’, and ‘toddler attempting to stab pigeons with a three inch knife’)

Hello beautifuls,

Hope your winter carnival weekend was fly and that you had lots of fun. I was being similarly wintry in Venice, where it was cold as balls. I didn’t fall in any canals, but I did talk to a gondola man and watch toddlers try earnestly to shank pigeons. The streets there are also approximately as wide as one of my thighs, so new fat European Stacy almost had trouble fitting.

I’m wearing my glasses today in an attempt to be able to really see the board in class. Instead, I feel like a drunk person. This prescription hasn’t been updated since I moved up to square frames from little wire Harry potter glasses (not as long ago as you might think).

My bus seatmate smells like a barn. I think it’s him. It could be me.

I went into a shop in Venice strictly to pet this dog. His name was Blu. I pretended to be looking at the stuff in the store, but really I was only there to creep on this cool dog. He rolled over for me to scratch his belly. I’ve never felt more accepted.

I managed this weekend to fit a bottle of limoncello, a bottle of wine, and a strange Italian beer into the pockets of my coat. I considered bribing the gondola man with the beer to let me sit in the gondola for a minute. That shit costs like 80 euros. Why.

Christian Ledesma (who is Mexican) literally cried over the spicy was of this pizza he ordered in Venice. It was amazing. It had Tabasco sauce instead of real sauce and spicy peppers and pepperonis. Even smelling it caused me pain.

I got lost FOR THREE HOURS on Monday. We didn’t have class, so I was gonna meet my friends in this park which apparently HAS TWO ENTRANCES THAT ARE SEPARATED BY A MAJOR ROAD. My phone died almost as soon as I got there and I wandered in the rain trying to find them for ages. Eventually we all just went home. It was horrendous. Also forgot my bus pass and had to buy a ticket on the bus but did not have enough change, accidentally jacked someone’s 30 cents bc the machine said “30 cents credit” and I was like oh perf that’s how much I need this must be the world smiling down upon me. But NO the lady came back and was like hey you used my money whoops. I think she saw the tear tracks on my face and my overall harried expression and realized that I was about 30 cents away from total nuclear meltdown, because she said it was all okay.

I’ve lost all four of my earring backs since I’ve been here. I’ve now resorted to cutting off bits of erasers with my little Swiss Army knife and using those instead. So inventive.

There is a receipt in my pocket for two bags of cheese puffs. I discovered them in a shop in Venice and almost exploded in happiness. Fake cheese yayyyyyy. Not sarcasm.

When I returned from Venice I took a nap. No one was home, it was 5 pm, I’d been up til 6:30 the night before (rationale for that unclear), and I slept so hard I woke up in pain. My face hurt, my back hurt, I sincerely thought it was morning. My host mom was like, “I called you for dinner an hour ago but I don’t think you woke up.” It could’ve been 2015 and I would not have been surprised.

My lost-in-the-rain sesh have me calluses. I literally built entire new calluses in one afternoon. My feet were so wet my boots started to foam.

I just got off the bus and walked decisively in the wrong direction. My bad.

I bought y’all postcards like 3 weeks ago and still have not sent them. Don’t have stamps. Also my bad.

We just wrapped up a unit in Italian curse words. Vaffanculo heheh.

I nearly just stepped on a fat orange cat as I was emailing. Photo attached for evidence. (Jk sending from my phone can’t attach but take my word for it).

Alright I must away, miss you love you little punks.



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