As a college brat on the trimester system (in fact, Dartmouth has a “D Plan” that is slowly in the process of ruining all college relationships by keeping students on for one summer term and then allowing them one off term of their choice), I have a lot of “breaks” from school. With the exception of my most recent “spring break,” over which I toured Europe in a very un-Stacy-like move, I have returned home for all of my breaks. Even the miserably long one between Thanksgiving and New Year’s. During these breaks, I always tell myself that I will use the time for certain worthwhile pursuits, such as:
1: See high school friends.
I’ve been in New Hampshire, they’ve been in Maine, blahdyblah, star-crossed friendship, impossible circumstances, one-state-divide, etc. The problem with this is that apart from one group chat I have with two friends which we use to update one another on the states of our uteruses, I don’t keep in much touch with my high school friends while I’m at college. They are busy, I am busy, and shockingly, there isn’t generally that much uterine news to report. While I’ll see one or two on each foray back to the homeland, we get together less frequently than one would expect (not to mention, there is nothing to do in my town that beats marathoning Teen Wolf in my bed).
2: Cultivate some skills
There is a sticky on the side of my desktop as I write this with the header, “skills to cultivate.” It includes useful shit such as “cooking,” “sewing,” and “compass and map navigation” (?), but also memorizing the presidents (that’s not a skill, Stacy) and escaping handcuffs. Safe to say, I have learned none of these things over this or any break, though I must admit I have put the most effort into learning to escape handcuffs.
3: Exercise/lose weight/ try paleoveganovolactopescamultisyllabic diet
To my credit, over summer break I lost 13 pounds. I needed to do this, as I had gained a commensurate amount at the start of college, and since my sister then weighed less than me, I could not let such heft continue. Back at school for the fall, I went to the gym once or twice a week, and then proceeded to go to Italy and exercise precisely zero. And eat precisely everything. The problem with this was less gluttony (despite my penchant for fried croissants and gelato) and more the fear of saying no to my host mother, who prepared me positively monstrous portions and tsked her little old italian tongue at me and said “che peccato” whenever I couldn’t finish (what a shame, what a waste). Roman Catholic guilt-weight should be a more heavily explored topic for sure.
4: Read classic literature
I started War and Peace over winter break as a promise to my then-boyfriend. Then-boyfriend had managed to finish it in three days, and insisted that I read it as well. I started it. I made it through part one. I broke up with then-boyfriend in order to escape the horror that was the idea of reading the remaining 800 pages.
If it’s 800 pages of Eragon, let me at it. But 800 pages of badly-translated Russian? Enough to cut ties.
5: Find a job/ internship/ occupation/ apartment/ life plan
I scrolled through the campus jobnet for eleven minutes the other night. I bookmarked some things. That counts.
6: Set your sights high
When I started this post, it was titled “25 things you promise yourself you’ll do every break.” It has since been narrowed down to 10 things. I feel this accurately represents my life.
7: Online flirt with a boy from school
I’m a great online flirter. Facebook chat is my bitch. Texting is my mistress. I crush these things, and when face-to-face interaction is taken off the table for an extended period of time, my crush-inciting ability skyrockets (there’s an inverse correlation between interactions during which I can’t spell-check and/or delete things I say and perceived attractiveness). My prospects, however, remain as bleak as usual, as there are never any boys to Facebook chat. I suspect this is due to me having graduated junior high.
8: Get back on a reasonable sleep schedule
Illusion: I leave behind the days of 3 am to 10:30 am sleeping, resetting my body to a healthy 10:30 to 8:00 schedule that I will adapt to and sustain for the rest of the school year.
Reality: Sleep schedule expands out to fill available space, becomes 3 am to noon.
9: Spend quality time with family
Three minutes into them picking me up someone is always shouting that we’ve made the wrong turn, another is pulling an ill-advised u-turn in an Arby’s parking lot, and someone else is loudly singing in the backseat “Jesus take the WheeeeeEEeeEl.” That last person is me.
10: Wear pants more
This is a lie. I’m ending with a lie. I never intend to wear pants over break.
I study abroad. Which means I go to school. Which means I have to get there. On the bus. Every day.
Pictured: My nightmare
The ride to school usually takes about 35 minutes, and generally goes like this:
Is she wearing a fur vest and a t-shirt? So it seems. Fascinating.
Srsly you brought your stroller on this bus I will kick you. That is the least efficient use of space in existence, at least get a foldy one. Also where is your baby. Why is it not in the stroller. Do you even have a baby.
Oh and your two kids are standing and not even in their seats, excellent
They are seven, they don’t get seats.
Bus goes over cobblestones
I try to push my teeth back into my gums
Oh, good thing this man’s armpit is directly in my face good morning
The best paaaart of waking uuuup is deoOOooOOooooOdoraaaant
I should blog about this
Wish that I had a constant transcript of my thoughts
Elaborate slippery slope fantasy where this mental transcript leads society to 1984-like circumstances
That guy looks like Alan Rickman
Some of y’all motherfuckers better get off this bus, I’m not playing
Nope, more people are getting on instead.
There is no space 4 u here
Ugh okay guess we’re making space
annnnnd now you’re grazing my butt
Omg her hair how
“Where are we going? Is this the wrong bus?
*Elaborate mental image of me being crushed as a field trip of Roman fifth graders gets on the bus*
OMG a seat
Dammit, that nun took it.
…That was a bad thing to think.
Hmm cute boy in sunglasses.
But is it bright enough to justify sunglasses or is he just a douche
Might be a douche.
Although he has his shirt buttoned all the way to the top, maybe he’s just European.
Having a backpack on the bus is like the worst thing you can do. I am ashamed.
No wait, the stroller is still here. I’m good.
Is that a guy wearing yoga capris? Right on.
Ok srsly am I on the wrong bus? Where are we going?
Lost on the same bus I’ve been taking for a month, good work.
Should I get off or?
I’m going to be late.
Lost on the bus.
Wait is that Circus Maximus?
WHY ARE WE HERE THIS IS NOT THE WAY
O yea that road is closed
Is this 45-year-old career woman listening to Rack City?
Do you understand English or…?
What if Gangham Style is just vulgar af and we don’t know it, just dancing around like “yeah fuck ur mom lol riding the invisible pony”
Elaborate mental image of me just eating it on the bus floor, Roman locals looking on with disdain
Holy balls, this is the first police action I’ve seen in six weeks here GET HIM CHASE HIM DOWN WITH YOUR LITTLE SIRENS GO
Attempt to count repetitions of the word “ass” in “Dance A$$”
I really do think I can twerk
Positive or negative that my phone just autocorrected to twerk?
Ok everyone is wearing sunglasses, I revise my douche assumption.
Idea for thesis about the social dynamics of bus riding vis a vis the patriarchy
Realization that as much as I use the word in jest, I don’t really get what the patriarchy is
Oh thank you God, people are getting off the bus, good riddance
BREATHING IS WONDERFUL
Oop, more people getting on now, that was a tease.
Large groups prendering buses together are demonic
Reflection on my use of Italglish
I am Italian as a potato
Oh good, we’re back on the right route now
How is this girl wearing heels on these cobblestones?
I’m going to be six minutes late, I am the worst
Prepare elaborate explanation of why I’m six minutes late in my mind
Realize I’ll still probably be the first one to arrive
Fiftieth check that I haven’t been pickpocketed of the bus ride
Or have I
Must check more thoroughly
Elaborate mental scenario where someone pickpockets me and only takes my pepper spray and my six pizza and croissant receipts from Forno
Nope, think I’m still good
Whoa, that guy almost took a dive
Annnnd I’m off
Which bus was that, was that go-left-after bus or go-right-after bus?
0 for 12 on that one
Condom vending machine, excellent
18 Euros dear lord, that’s like a kidney
Elaborate mental scenario where the devil accepts one kidney for the privilege of having sex 18 times. Cash register goes chaching as he stows kidney.