My Thoughts on the Bus in Rome

I study abroad. Which means I go to school. Which means I have to get there. On the bus. Every day.

Pictured: My nightmare

The ride to school usually takes about 35 minutes, and generally goes like this:

Is she wearing a fur vest and a t-shirt? So it seems. Fascinating.

Srsly you brought your stroller on this bus I will kick you. That is the least efficient use of space in existence, at least get a foldy one. Also where is your baby. Why is it not in the stroller. Do you even have a baby.

Oh and your two kids are standing and not even in their seats, excellent

They are seven, they don’t get seats.

Bus goes over cobblestones

I try to push my teeth back into my gums

Oh, good thing this man’s armpit is directly in my face good morning

The best paaaart of waking uuuup is deoOOooOOooooOdoraaaant

I should blog about this

Wish that I had a constant transcript of my thoughts

Elaborate slippery slope fantasy where this mental transcript leads society to 1984-like circumstances

That guy looks like Alan Rickman

Some of y’all motherfuckers better get off this bus, I’m not playing

Nope, more people are getting on instead.

There is no space 4 u here

Ugh okay guess we’re making space

annnnnd now you’re grazing my butt

Omg her hair how

“Where are we going? Is this the wrong bus?

O shit

*Elaborate mental image of me being crushed as a field trip of Roman fifth graders gets on the bus*

OMG a seat

Nope

Dammit, that nun took it.

…That was a bad thing to think.

Hmm cute boy in sunglasses.

But is it bright enough to justify sunglasses or is he just a douche

Backwards hat…

Leather jacket…

Might be a douche.

Although he has his shirt buttoned all the way to the top, maybe he’s just European.

Reserving judgement.

Having a backpack on the bus is like the worst thing you can do. I am ashamed.

No wait, the stroller is still here. I’m good.

Is that a guy wearing yoga capris? Right on.

Ok srsly am I on the wrong bus? Where are we going?

Lost on the same bus I’ve been taking for a month, good work.

Should I get off or?

I’m going to be late.

Lost on the bus.

Lost.

So lost.

Wait is that Circus Maximus?

I’M FOUND

WHY ARE WE HERE THIS IS NOT THE WAY

O yea that road is closed

Is this 45-year-old career woman listening to Rack City?

Do you understand English or…?

What if Gangham Style is just vulgar af and we don’t know it, just dancing around like “yeah fuck ur mom lol riding the invisible pony”

Elaborate mental image of me just eating it on the bus floor, Roman locals looking on with disdain

Holy balls, this is the first police action I’ve seen in six weeks here GET HIM CHASE HIM DOWN WITH YOUR LITTLE SIRENS GO

Attempt to count repetitions of the word “ass” in “Dance A$$”

I really do think I can twerk

Positive or negative that my phone just autocorrected to twerk?

Ok everyone is wearing sunglasses, I revise my douche assumption.

Idea for thesis about the social dynamics of bus riding vis a vis the patriarchy

Realization that as much as I use the word in jest, I don’t really get what the patriarchy is

Oh thank you God, people are getting off the bus, good riddance

OXYGEN

BREATHING IS WONDERFUL

Oop, more people getting on now, that was a tease.

Large groups prendering buses together are demonic

Reflection on my use of Italglish

So fluent

Lol jk

I am Italian as a potato

Oh good, we’re back on the right route now

How is this girl wearing heels on these cobblestones?

I’m going to be six minutes late, I am the worst

Prepare elaborate explanation of why I’m six minutes late in my mind

Realize I’ll still probably be the first one to arrive

Fiftieth check that I haven’t been pickpocketed of the bus ride

I haven’t

Or have I

Must check more thoroughly

Elaborate mental scenario where someone pickpockets me and only takes my pepper spray and my six pizza and croissant receipts from Forno

Nope, think I’m still good

Whoa, that guy almost took a dive

Nice spectacles

Annnnd I’m off

Which bus was that, was that go-left-after bus or go-right-after bus?

Goes right

Turns around

Goes left

0 for 12 on that one

Condom vending machine, excellent

18 Euros dear lord, that’s like a kidney

Elaborate mental scenario where the devil accepts one kidney for the privilege of having sex 18 times. Cash register goes chaching as he stows kidney.