10 things you promise yourself you’ll do every break (that you’ll never actually do)

As a college brat on the trimester system (in fact, Dartmouth has a “D Plan” that is slowly in the process of ruining all college relationships by keeping students on for one summer term and then allowing them one off term of their choice), I have a lot of “breaks” from school. With the exception of my most recent “spring break,” over which I toured Europe in a very un-Stacy-like move, I have returned home for all of my breaks. Even the miserably long one between Thanksgiving and New Year’s. During these breaks, I always tell myself that I will use the time for certain worthwhile pursuits, such as:

1: See high school friends.

I’ve been in New Hampshire, they’ve been in Maine, blahdyblah, star-crossed friendship, impossible circumstances, one-state-divide, etc. The problem with this is that apart from one group chat I have with two friends which we use to update one another on the states of our uteruses, I don’t keep in much touch with my high school friends while I’m at college. They are busy, I am busy, and shockingly, there isn’t generally that much uterine news to report. While I’ll see one or two on each foray back to the homeland, we get together less frequently than one would expect (not to mention, there is nothing to do in my town that beats marathoning Teen Wolf in my bed).

2: Cultivate some skills

There is a sticky on the side of my desktop as I write this with the header, “skills to cultivate.” It includes useful shit such as “cooking,” “sewing,” and “compass and map navigation” (?), but also memorizing the presidents (that’s not a skill, Stacy) and escaping handcuffs. Safe to say, I have learned none of these things over this or any break, though I must admit I have put the most effort into learning to escape handcuffs.

3: Exercise/lose weight/ try paleoveganovolactopescamultisyllabic diet

To my credit, over summer break I lost 13 pounds. I needed to do this, as I had gained a commensurate amount at the start of college, and since my sister then weighed less than me, I could not let such heft continue. Back at school for the fall, I went to the gym once or twice a week, and then proceeded to go to Italy and exercise precisely zero. And eat precisely everything. The problem with this was less gluttony (despite my penchant for fried croissants and gelato) and more the fear of saying no to my host mother, who prepared me positively monstrous portions and tsked her little old italian tongue at me and said “che peccato” whenever I couldn’t finish (what a shame, what a waste). Roman Catholic guilt-weight should be a more heavily explored topic for sure.

4: Read classic literature

I started War and Peace over winter break as a promise to my then-boyfriend. Then-boyfriend had managed to finish it in three days, and insisted that I read it as well. I started it. I made it through part one. I broke up with then-boyfriend in order to escape the horror that was the idea of reading the remaining 800 pages.

If it’s 800 pages of Eragon, let me at it. But 800 pages of badly-translated Russian? Enough to cut ties.

5: Find a job/ internship/ occupation/ apartment/ life plan

I scrolled through the campus jobnet for eleven minutes the other night. I bookmarked some things. That counts.

6: Set your sights high

When I started this post, it was titled “25 things you promise yourself you’ll do every break.” It has since been narrowed down to 10 things. I feel this accurately represents my life.

7: Online flirt with a boy from school

I’m a great online flirter. Facebook chat is my bitch. Texting is my mistress. I crush these things, and when face-to-face interaction is taken off the table for an extended period of time, my crush-inciting ability skyrockets (there’s an inverse correlation between interactions during which I can’t spell-check and/or delete things I say and perceived attractiveness). My prospects, however, remain as bleak as usual, as there are never any boys to Facebook chat. I suspect this is due to me having graduated junior high.

8: Get back on a reasonable sleep schedule

Illusion: I leave behind the days of 3 am to 10:30 am sleeping, resetting my body to a healthy 10:30 to 8:00 schedule that I will adapt to and sustain for the rest of the school year.

Reality: Sleep schedule expands out to fill available space, becomes 3 am to noon.

9: Spend quality time with family

Three minutes into them picking me up someone is always shouting that we’ve made the wrong turn, another is pulling an ill-advised u-turn in an Arby’s parking lot, and someone else is loudly singing in the backseat “Jesus take the WheeeeeEEeeEl.” That last person is me.

10: Wear pants more

This is a lie. I’m ending with a lie. I never intend to wear pants over break.